Do’s and Don’ts of Grief and Loss

Grief is a natural part of the human existence, unfortunately for us handling grief is hard. Even those who are supposed to have it all figured out such as pastors and other Christian leaders sometimes need a guiding hand when walking down the road of grief and loss...

We want to help we try our best to be there but so often it seems that every time we go to open our mouths we insert our foot often whether we realize it or not when we try to help we make the situation worse… We end up isolating those who are grieving because they feel judged, or alone. And while we know that grief is personal it isn’t meant to be experienced alone…

The truth is most all of us have no idea how to handle grief…

So what can we do?

There are lots of resources out there and it would be easy to become overwhelmed but in reality there are a handful of simple easy to remember things to offer.

Let’s look at 3 common DON’Ts: what you could say are common misconceptions about grief and loss…  Each of these are lessons I’ve had to learn the hard way…  

1.     First we DON'T always need to say “something”.  Honestly, when someone has just experienced a major loss, there is usually nothing that can or needs to be said. Walking up and asking someone who is experiencing loss how they are doing while well-meant will not come across the way you intend… Your presence is enough…

2.     Second, hackneyed reassurances DON'T help in fact more often than not they hurt.... Sayings such as “They’re in a better place,” “At least they’re no longer suffering,” or “Time heals all wounds,” though well-meant, are better left unsaid. "A hug is worth a thousand words..." (Charles Colton) 

3.     Third, DON'T talk about your own loss experiences it is not as helpful as you might think… Sharing our experiences with loss–saying “I know exactly how you feel,” or “I understand completely”– usually causes the individual feel as if you are minimizing their experience or pain. Here your silence is golden... No matter what experiences you’ve been though in your life it truly is impossible for you to know exactly how a person is feeling…

Silence is golden, hugs are worth a thousand words, and your presence is enough!

So what should we DO then if we can’t talk to them? Here are three simple steps that I have found useful in counseling situations…

1.     Just be there. Listen... Listen… and Listen some more… Listening is hard I get it… It can be uncomfortable… It may not seem like much but remember God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason – we should be listening at least twice as much as we are speaking… Let them talk and cry and talk and cry without putting a time limit on it and without judging. Don’t get tired of hearing their “story…” Rather encourage them to express the facts, details and emotions related to the loss; it is a simple but profound method of healing.

2.     Check in on them regularly. It is so easy in today’s society to shoot a quick text message saying, “I’m just checking on you wanted to see how you were doing today…”  No pressure or expectations, simply a friend checking in. If they want to engage in conversation they can but this allows the individual or family to know that you truly do care and that they are not alone, that they are not isolated…

3.     Finally hold your tongue. When you feel the urge to say something trite, like, “This too shall pass,” don’t. Instead, just say, “I’m so sorry,” let them cry, and cry with them. The Bible gives a lot of direction when it comes to taming our tongues (Proverbs 21:23; Proverbs 12:18; James 3:2-10; Psalm 34:13; Psalm 141:3; James 1:26; 1 Peter 3:10…)

Don’t be scared to allow God to use you in helping someone work through their grief but know that if you step into that processes with them it will likely but a long difficult hike not a short leisurely stroll through the park… and remember silence is golden, hugs are worth a thousand words, and your presence is enough!

See ya Sunday!