Friday, May 27, 2016

Do’s and Don’ts of Grief and Loss

Grief is a natural part of the human existence, unfortunately for us handling grief is hard. Even those who are supposed to have it all figured out such as pastors and other Christian leaders sometimes need a guiding hand when walking down the road of grief and loss...

We want to help we try our best to be there but so often it seems that every time we go to open our mouths we insert our foot often whether we realize it or not when we try to help we make the situation worse… We end up isolating those who are grieving because they feel judged, or alone. And while we know that grief is personal it isn’t meant to be experienced alone…

The truth is most all of us have no idea how to handle grief…

So what can we do?

There are lots of resources out there and it would be easy to become overwhelmed but in reality there are a handful of simple easy to remember things to offer.

Let’s look at 3 common DON’Ts: what you could say are common misconceptions about grief and loss…  Each of these are lessons I’ve had to learn the hard way…  

1.     First we DON'T always need to say “something”.  Honestly, when someone has just experienced a major loss, there is usually nothing that can or needs to be said. Walking up and asking someone who is experiencing loss how they are doing while well-meant will not come across the way you intend… Your presence is enough…

2.     Second, hackneyed reassurances DON'T help in fact more often than not they hurt.... Sayings such as “They’re in a better place,” “At least they’re no longer suffering,” or “Time heals all wounds,” though well-meant, are better left unsaid. "A hug is worth a thousand words..." (Charles Colton) 

3.     Third, DON'T talk about your own loss experiences it is not as helpful as you might think… Sharing our experiences with loss–saying “I know exactly how you feel,” or “I understand completely”– usually causes the individual feel as if you are minimizing their experience or pain. Here your silence is golden... No matter what experiences you’ve been though in your life it truly is impossible for you to know exactly how a person is feeling…

Silence is golden, hugs are worth a thousand words, and your presence is enough!

So what should we DO then if we can’t talk to them? Here are three simple steps that I have found useful in counseling situations…

1.     Just be there. Listen... Listen… and Listen some more… Listening is hard I get it… It can be uncomfortable… It may not seem like much but remember God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason – we should be listening at least twice as much as we are speaking… Let them talk and cry and talk and cry without putting a time limit on it and without judging. Don’t get tired of hearing their “story…” Rather encourage them to express the facts, details and emotions related to the loss; it is a simple but profound method of healing.

2.     Check in on them regularly. It is so easy in today’s society to shoot a quick text message saying, “I’m just checking on you wanted to see how you were doing today…”  No pressure or expectations, simply a friend checking in. If they want to engage in conversation they can but this allows the individual or family to know that you truly do care and that they are not alone, that they are not isolated…

3.     Finally hold your tongue. When you feel the urge to say something trite, like, “This too shall pass,” don’t. Instead, just say, “I’m so sorry,” let them cry, and cry with them. The Bible gives a lot of direction when it comes to taming our tongues (Proverbs 21:23; Proverbs 12:18; James 3:2-10; Psalm 34:13; Psalm 141:3; James 1:26; 1 Peter 3:10…)

Don’t be scared to allow God to use you in helping someone work through their grief but know that if you step into that processes with them it will likely but a long difficult hike not a short leisurely stroll through the park… and remember silence is golden, hugs are worth a thousand words, and your presence is enough!


See ya Sunday! 

Friday, May 20, 2016

Money not well spent...

Nehemiah 5 deals with a pretty uncomfortable topic for most people… Money…

The passage starts out proclaiming that there was “a widespread outcry from the people and their wives against their Jewish countrymen.” The following verses explain what taking place – what it boiled down to was those who had the money had the power and they took every advantage they could get away with over their countrymen…

In 5:6-13 Nehemiah’s response ensues, his righteous indignation which was on display in chapter 4 is back in full force, and after serious consideration and investigation he levels accusations against those in power, the nobles and officials calling them to repentance which amazingly we see in 5:12 that they responded favorably and agreed that they were wrong and needed to make restitution.

Nehemiah’s response continues in 5:14-19 and we again see his character on full display as he refused to be a burden on the people as his predecessors had been.  In fact we see that neither he nor his associates, more than 150 Jews, officials, and guests from surrounding nations who sat at his table ate from the allotted food for the governors.

Why? What was Nehemiah’s reasoning behind living on less than what all the other governors had lived off of? It’s all in where his focus was… The previous leaders, the nobles, and officials were all focused on caring for themselves (we see this theme return in Chapter 13). Nehemiah’s focus was on the wall – 5:16 says that he was devoted to the construction of the wall…

Nehemiah’s eyes were focused where they were needed… on God. Hebrews 12:1-2 gives us good instruction as to the importance of this…

Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne.


What are you doing to keep the name of the Lord from falling to shame? 

Friday, May 13, 2016

Facing Opposition

Much as the builders of the wall in Nehemiah’s day faced intense persecution, Christians today face opposition to their obedience. How we respond to that opposition speaks to our character. Do we run away? Do we lash out? Do we stand firm?

Nehemiah prays in the face of persecution, but his prayer is one we should take notice of. Nehemiah 4:4-5 says “Listen, our God, for we are despised. Make their insults return on their own heads and let them be taken as plunder to a land of captivity. Do not cover their guilt or let their sin be erased from Your sight, because they have provoked the builders.”

Now I am sure that there have been times in which you have wanted to pray a prayer like this… I know that there have been times I have wanted to do so as well…

But Nehemiah demonstrates his humanity in these verses. As Spurgeon puts it Nehemiah was not only stern in his words but he seems to mingle in a measure of bitterness in his prayer that we must not imitate.

It is one thing to have a righteous indignation when we see someone working to stop us in our endeavors to build up the church of God, but rather responding in bitterness we should bow our heads and hit our knees and look to Christ’s example on the cross as he cried out “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

See ya Sunday! 

Friday, May 06, 2016

What's with the name calling?

Nehemiah 3 is a chapter of names… Many would just look at this chapter and pass over it… But all these names are recorded for a purpose. In fact, the Hebrew names were nearly all significant… Sometimes commemoration was in a name. Sometimes it uttered a testimony. Sometimes a prophecy stirred in it.

But even more than the significance of the names in this particular passage is the way each name is paired with a task… “Eliashib the high priest and his fellow priests began rebuilding the Sheep Gate. They dedicated it and installed its doors. After building the wall to the Tower of the Hundred and the Tower of Hananel, they dedicated it. The men of Jericho built next to Eliashib, and next to them Zaccur son of Imri built. The sons of Hassenaah built the Fish Gate. They built it with beams and installed its doors, bolts, and bars. Next to them Meremoth son of Uriah, son of Hakkoz, made repairs. Beside them Meshullam son of Berechiah, son of Meshezabel, made repairs. Next to them Zadok son of Baana made repairs Beside them the Tekoites made repairs, but their nobles did not lift a finger to help their supervisors...” (Nehemiah 3:1-5)

More than just a list of names this passage shows how people working together can accomplish more than if just one person tried to do all the work.

If you were to underline in your Bible every time you see the phrases: "next to him," "next to them," "after him," and "after them" you would find them recorded 28 times in this chapter!

The biblical principle is this: every person is to be involved in ministry because everyone has a job to do…

Don’t be just another name on the roll – you are valued by God and you are valued by your church! Figure out where God is calling you to become involved and don’t be as the nobles of Tekoa in vs 5 and not lift a finger rather be willing to make yourself vulnerable, be willing to seek out change for God’s glory, be willing to take a stand for the Lord, and be willing to commit to the rebuilding of his church so that the name of the Lord would no longer be in disgrace.


See you Sunday!